Psychotoxic

High demands (physical and emotional)

+ high effort

+ low control

+ low support

+ low reward

+ and exposure to physical hazards

+ combined with shift work and long hours

work stress and fatigue

is it really worth it?

From Olongapo, With Love

It has been a while since I last updated my blog... haay... ningas kugon... or is it that I lacked the inspiration?! Well, they do say that no news is good news... :)

Beauty Killed the Beast

No matter how many times I've watched King Kong it still makes me cry.

Drogadicta

I know. I should stop.

But I long persistently, wistfully, sadly.

I yearn.

I have to stop missing you.

It's a lesson I still haven't learned.

Atashi mada koritenai.

Tsk.Tsk.

More than a year of blog silence. Have I really been that busy? Have I been lazy? Or have I been too tired that I was actually drained of inspiration?

I have so many stories to tell, so may things I learned and experienced during my clerkship that I don't know where to start.

For one thing, I'm no longer a medical clerk. I'm no longer a make-up medical clerk either. I'm an aspiring Doctor of Medicine graduatee! Yey! :)

It's one thing to be called Doctora. It's another to actually see it in writing. I'm a doctor! Albeit sans the licence... but I'm a doctor! And I just can't stop myself from grinning.

I'm Melancholic... so true... seriously...

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

Dalamhati

I'm dying to live my own life again.
I'm dying, dying to sleep forever,
Never to awaken.
Sleep forever,
Until you're forgotten.

I'm dying to believe the truth again.
I'm dying, dying to bury your lies.
There is life after you.
Bury your lies,
Start all over anew.

I'm dying to take back my life again.
I'm dying, dying to live on my own.
Stand aside beholden,
Live on my own,
Still alone amidst them.

I'm dying to breathe, feel alive again.
I'm dying trying to live without you.
Life's easy, I gather,
Live without you,
Happ'ly ever after.

I'm dying not to feel the cold again.
I'm dying, dying all over again.
You left me here hanging,
All over again,
And now I have nothing.

__________________________

shee: liz, san galing 'yan?

liz: ha? sa... puso ko... :)

hehe... di nga... this poem was inspired by Five for Fighting's Dying. it was dec. 16, 2005, around 11:30 pm, nakahiga na'ko, between being awake and being stupurous nadinig ko yang song na yan for the first time. i was ready to sleep but my heart wasn't... so ayan...

Hole in My Soul

Ever tried catching fish with your bare hands? I didn't. I caught one with just one hand. :) That was roughly three weeks ago. I was at my grandparent's place, it was about 2 pm and because it was sooo hot i thought of havingsiesta... I was walking around, looking for a place to sleep when I saw my bro Roland sitting by the fish pond. I went to sit right beside him, and know what, after two minutes he left. O-kay... Maybe he wants privacy for his own thoughts...

Anyways, so I was there, just soaking up the scenery, enjoying the silence, thinking of nothing in particular, grateful for the respite i was having from all those draining post grad studies... when my attention was riveted to the pond. There was this splashing sound and when I looked I saw the water being splashed around. Curiousity got the best of me, and since I didn't have my glasses on i went closer to check it out...

Could that be? No, it couldn't... ?! It is! Dalag! (mud fish!)

My first thought was , "Hey, it isn't moving much, maybe I can grab it...If cats can do it, so can I." As I approached it as quietly as I can, I stopped and went back to where I was sitting and put down my Baby on the balsa (bamboo raft).

As I proceeded to do what I set out to do, crouching like a tiger (naks, sige na nga, like a pusakal), slowly extending my right hand, doubts entered my mind.

If I did this wouldn't I get hurt? Wouldn't my hand get pricked? May tusok ba xa? Pano kung madulas? Kung masugatan ako, is it worth it?

It was. It is. :)

It's just catching fish, big deal, you might say. Well, yeah, it's just catching fish, but I have done what some of my friends only dreamed of doing. To catch a fish with bare hands, and I did it with just one.

Naisip ko tuloy, ganun pala 'yun. Ang paghuli ng isda ay parang pag-ibig din. It comes when you least expect it and when it's there...

If I did this wouldn't I get hurt? Wouldn't my heart get broken? Mapagkakatiwalaan ko ba xa? Pano kung hindi xa totoo? Kung masugatan ako, is it worth it?

May kasamang risk ang paghuli ng isda na gamit ang mga kamay lamang. Ganun din ang umibig ng buong puso. Is it worth it?

Hindi ko malalaman kung hindi ko susubukan.

Makukuntento na lang ba ako sa isda na lang?

There's a hole in my soul

that's been killing me forever

It's a place where a garden never grows.

~Hole in My Soul, Aerosmith

Prinsesa ng Sablay:isang tama sampung mali, ganyan ako pumili

oooh, ayoko ng mag sorry

oooh, sawa na akong magsisi

pasensya ka na

mabilis lang akong mataranta

~Hari ng Sablay, Sugarfree

Aug. 5, 2004-Aug. 6, 2004

Lord, sobrang nahihiya na ako sa Inyo. Hindi ko na alam kung paano ako lalapit sa Inyo. Nakakapalan na ako ako sa sarili ko. Ilang beses na akong humingi ng tawad? Ngayon hihingi nanaman ako ng tawad. Hindi naman ako nagbabago. Minsan iniisip ko h'wag na lang muna ako humingi ng tawad, tsaka na lang, kapag kaya ko na'ng panindigan...

Hayan nanaman. "Kapag kaya ko na'ng panindigan."

"Kanino ka umaasa, anak?"

Lord, sa Inyo. Pero...

"Pero."

...

Sa akin. Umaasa na ako sa akin ngayon. Noon, Kayo lang ang tangi kong sandigan. Sa Inyo lang ako umaasa. Kayo ang aking lakas. Kayo ang aking lakas. Kayo ang aking kagalakan. Sa Inyo ako kuntento.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan o paano, pero unti-unti Kayong napalitan sa puso ko. Nauuna na ako ngayon. Tulad din noong nangyari noon.

Kahit ngayon na dapat Kayo ang dapat unahin ko, na dapat humingi ako ng tawad mula sa Inyo, dahil nasaktan ko nanaman Kayo, ang gusto kong pag-usapan ay ang sarili ko. Ang sarili ko at ang matinding kalungkutang nadarama ko ngayon. Kalungkutang nasa akin ngayon na'ng dahil na rin sa sarili kong kagagawan.

Lord, sorry po. Kasi masyado akong naging makasarili. Patawad din po kasi nakalimutan ko kung ano ang mahalaga sa buhay. Kung ano ang totoo.

san ka pa? akong-ako, di ba? :)

Yamot

Ika-apat ng Oktubre, taong 2005, ako'y iniwan ng aking Baby. Kamusta ka na kaya ngayon?Mabuti ba ang trato ng iba sa'yo? Hinahanap-hanap mo rin ba ako tulad ng pangungulila ko sa'yo? Patawarin mo ako... nagkulang ako sa pag-aruga sa'yo... Alam ko hindi ka na maibabalik ng aking pagsinta, ngunit hayaan mong ialay ko ang kantang ito para sa'yo...

Labis na naiinip
Nayayamot sa bawat saglit
Kapag naaalala ka
Wala naman akong magawa

Umuwi ka na Baby
Hindi na ako sanay ng wala ka
Mahirap ang mag-isa
At sa gabi’y hinahanap-hanapkita.


Hanggang kailan ako maghihintay
Na makasama ka muli
Sa buhay kong puno ng paghihirap
Na tanging ikaw lang ang
Pumapawi sa mga luha
At naglalagay ng ngiti sa mga labi

‘Di mapigilang mag-isip
Na baka sa tagal
Mahulog ang loob mo sa iba
Nakakabalisa, knock on wood
‘Wag naman sana

Umuwi ka na Baby…Umuwi ka na Baby…Umuwi ka na Baby…
Umuwi ka na Baby…Umuwi ka na Baby…Umuwi ka na Baby…

~Hanggang Kailan, Orange and Lemons

~*Dubai*~

I promise to make this as short as possible... gotta review for my comprehensive exams tomorrow... :)

Lucky and I watched Dubai today (yeah, nanood kami kahit start na ng final exams... kelangan namin ng break! pagod na kami!). Natutuwa raw si Lola Arby sa amin. Fans daw pala kami ni John Lloyd! (hindi ah, gusto ko lang magpaka-mushy today... :)

We were not able to watch the movie at its beginning, siguro mga 15 minutes ang na-miss namin... The first thing that struck me was the beauty of Dubai (the place ha). Sobrang ganda. Ang linis, pare, as in. At ang ganda ng beach (may beach doon?! di ko kasi alam eh... hehehe!)! White sand! Nasaan and disierto? Cactus? Camel? hahaha! Napaka stereo type ng pag-iisip ko pagdating sa Middle East. (kung nasimulan namin 'yung movie hindi ko na sana hinanap 'yung disierto at camels, simula pa lang pinakita na :)

Ayan po, mga kaibigan... Kung atin pong papansinin ang mga pictures, makikita po natin ang mga camel sa likod nina Aga, Claudine at John sa picture 1. Sa picture 2 makikita naman natin ang beach na ubod ng ganda! Yep, sa likod naman ni John Lloyd :). At sa likod (nanaman) nina Aga, Claudine, at John ay makikita natin ang disierto.

Hehehe!

Life is beautiful...and so are we... >_<

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

Last night, Bernard wanted to make a bet with me that we wouldn't have classes today. I wanted him to be wrong. Kawawa naman kami sa make-up kapag nagkataon. Pagod na ako. Pagod na ako mag-aral. I have given my all this prelims and midterms that I feel I no longer have anything to give this finals. I'm drained to my bones. It turned out that he was right. Buti na lang hindi ako naki pusta :)

Yeah, make up nanaman ito. At malamang sumabay sa Pedia quiz on saturday ang quiz sana namin sa OB ngayon. I even left all my notes sa locker that's why I had to go to the dorm to borrow Lucky's book on Bioethics (quiz bukas, gud lak). But it turned out that this day is what I really needed. A day of respite from all the past few weeks' toxicity. I got to sleep 'til 10:30 am this morning, and although I had to go out (despite of the typhoon) and meet with Lucky (+ go to school to get my notes), we (Shean, Pinky, Lucky and I) got to see a movie. :)

I was all set to watch Dubai, kaya lang wala pa. So we watched Sky High instead. Pambata. But it was worth a good laugh. Just what we needed to de-stress... Plus ang gwapo ni Warren Peace (Steven Straight). *swoon* I want a guy like him! hehehe! I'm sooo de-stressed right now. :D Pwede na uli lumaban. :)

Noong Mayo

xet: Lumingon ako. Kung sana sa paglingon ko naging isang bloke na lang ako ng asin wala na sana akong problema ngayon.

noes: Kaso hindi!

xet: Kasi. Bakit pa ako lumingon!

Usapan namin ni Don sa Koffia. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali buwan ng Mayo 'yun ngayong taon. Noong Mayo natutunan 'kong may mga bagay na mas magandang hindi na balikan. Na mas magandang ibaon na lang sa nakalipas (naks!) ang ilang bagay na hindi man nabigyan ng closure ay as good as closed na rin (kasi kelan man hindi n'ya ako bibigyan ng closure!).

Pero kung natutunan ko 'yan noong Mayo bakit ngayong Setyembre na ay nakailang lingon na ako? Siguro nga, 'yung ibang pagkakataong lumingon ako ay wala namang kwenta, pero may ilang pagkakataon naman na nakabutin lumingon ako. Actually, marami na rin. And for that, pakiramdam ko man ay binubuksan ko ang kahon ni Pandora sa tuwing linilinon ko ang nakaraan, nagagawa 'kong umabante patungong hinaharap na mas magaan ang dinadala.

Siguro, nasabi 'kong mas magandang hindi na lumingon kasi kung minsan masakit gawin 'yun. Lalo na kung ang paglingon ko ay sasabayan ng pagkaalam sa mga bagay na ayoko namang malaman. (For dat, minsan talaga ignorance is bliss.)

"Maglilinis ako ng aking kwarto
Na punung-puno ng galit at damit
Mga bagay na hindi ko na kailangan
Mga nakaraang hindi na pwedeng ipagpaliban.
~Kwarto, Sugarfree

Tama, may mga nakaraang hindi na pwedeng ipagpaliban. Hindi para mabuhay sa kahapon, pero para harapin ito once and for all iligpit na ito.

Mga liham ng nilihim 'kong pag-ibig
At litrato ng kahapong maligalig
Dahan-dahan 'kong inipon
Ngunit ngayon ay kailangan ng itapon
~Kwarto, Sugarfree

Kaya ang mga susunod 'kong posts ay tungkol sa kahapon. Lilingon ako. Bagay na sinabi 'kong hindi ko na gagawin noong Mayo. Hindi para umatras, kundi para makasulong. Kinakailangan 'kong lumingon para sa mga nakaraang hindi ko na pwedeng ipagpaliban. Upang tuluyan ko na itong mabitiwan at maitapon.

Hindi ko kayang mabuhay sa kahapon
Kaya mula ngayon, mula ngayon...
~Kwarto, Sugarfree

Pamamaalam

Maglilinis ako ng aking kwarto
Na punong-puno ng galit at damit
Mga bagay na hindi ko na kailangan
Nakaraang hindi na pwedeng pagpaliban

-Kwarto, Sugarfree

All I Really Want is Some Patience...

...a way to calm the angry voice.

Return Op Di Cum Bak: theLokaret Strikes Back!

sige na nga... po-post na ako uli... ;) by the way...tatlong araw lang ako sa ilocos norte... matagal na akong nakabalik... tinatamad lang... hahaha! although, nagpo-post naman ako sa kapehan... :)



July na! as in ang bilis talaga ng panahon... 2nd month ko na sa third year... marami nanamang kapalpakan sa school... pati clinics... pero masaya... :)in fairness, mas seryoso ako sa pag-aaral ngayon...mas nag-aaral ako...believe ka ba? ;)totoo, kung noon one night before quizzes/exam ako mag cram, ngayon two nights na! o di ba! nyahaha!

(nawala na amats ko...)

asteg ng CSI vegas kagabi... asteg... naiyak ako... :)

EIC kuno daw ako ng yearbook... pinagtulungan nila akong i-appoint kanina... humanda kayo sa delegations... hehehe! kidding aside, thank you for your confidence in me...kahit na gaano ako ka-reluctant...(nabola yata ako...*kamot ulo*)

daming nangyari...pano ko isusulat lahat e 7:30 pa ako bukas? :)

for one thing, 'yung SSB ko wala na... tinapos ko na... i'll probably write some exerpts dito galing dun...pag-isipan ko muna...

ang hirap namang maghanap ng standardized tests para sa research namin... tulong naman o...

don, hiram ako nung anime mo ha...yung sinasabi mong madugo...

beng, alam mo namang susuportahan kita sa lahat ng naisin mong gawin... pero gusto kong pahalagahan mo rin 'yung pag-iisip bago ka gumawa...mahirap, alam ko...pero may mga bagay na hindi basta-bastang binibigay...ibabalik ko sa'yo 'yung sinabi mo sa akin: "mare, suportahan ta ka, pero ang puso ingatan...".

shee, pasenxa na kung sumama loob ko sa'yo noon... masaya ako dahil iniintindi mo pa rin ako... salamat sa time, kahit na toxic ka rin talaga...aral tayo mabuti...kaya natin 'to! (napanood mo na ba sa myx yung tagalized version ng I Believe...yung theme song Sassy Girl...si jimmy bondoc kumanta...nangingiti pa rin ako sa Sassy...:)

rosc, buti nagkita tayo uli...:) tagal na rin... pano na yung hawaian dinner natin? :) enjoy mo yang work mo ha...i hope it brings you joy... :)

reisyn...nagbabasa ka pa ba nito? :) hehe! na-miss kong mag blog... daan ka naman dito... :)

xa, tulog na'ko...hindi dahil inaantok ako pero dahil kelangan na... may pasok pa bukas...haay...naka-gimik mode pa naman ako... :P

May 15-18... Mawawala muna ako :)

All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go...to Pagudpud, Ilocos Norte! Yeah! This is a long awaited affair for me and the rest of theFamily...well, for some members of the Family, at least. The Family has been broken for a while now, and i guess it's gonna take more than just Pagudpud to bring us back together. We'll leave tomorrow night, 8:45 pm Partas trans... estimated arrival time is by 2 am.

------------------------------------------------------------

That's all for now. I have to wake up early tomorrow so I can make it on time for the Little Flower Circumcision Drive (huh? little flower? circumcision? hehe! i just loooove words :) i have to be at the SLU library tomorrow morning at 7:45... yeah, that's already early for me... *grin*

Ciao, people! Enjoy the rest of our summer vacation! :)

No matter how many times i stood on this hill alone i never got used to the feeling of desolation that comes with it. But this time the feeling is accompanied by an overwhelming sense of helplessness as i watch the bitter tides of change sweep over me. Buddha said that change is the only thing that is constant in this world. To me, it simply means that nothing is going to be the same again. And i fear it so, uncertain of the things to come, knowing that i have no power to stop it. I have a battle to fight, a battle that is not even mine but am willing to fight for that weary warrior that has fought so hard all his life.

As i stand on this lonely hill and contemplate the future i cannot help but sense that a chapter in my life is coming to an end. This ending is long overdue. i have lived in suspended adolescence long enough. If this is to be my rite of passage to adulthood then so be it.

As seasons come and go i pray that Sorrow would also go. Sorrow is not a companion i would like to keep forever. Though Sorrow has proven to be a wise and effective teacher,it teaches its lessons in the wilderness of loneliness. Even now, as i come crying in the wilderness, Sorrow severely gives out its instructions as if i haven't had enough.

i have no one to talk to on this lonely hill...but as i prepare for the battle ahead i am comforted in knowing that i am not the only one who has ever stood on this hill alone. Only, i deserve it. He didn't. i realize i'm not really alone.

Kiligers

[Discussion of the Lokaret Files v.5]

Para ito sa babaeng nakasabay ko sa jeep noong isang araw.

Pauwi na ako noon. Nakaupo lang s'ya sa harapan ko. There's really nothing extraordinary about her. She's pretty but then ang mga Filipina pretty talaga. :)

What made me notice her was her smile. Teka lang! Teka lang! DISCLAIMER: Hindi po ako lesbiana. Maliwanag.

Meron s'yang katext. That's not extraordinary either. But everytime she finishes texting, that smile on her face while texting stays on her face long after she has sent her messages. Siguro boyfriend o crush nya yung katext nya. Tapos tutunog cellphone n'ya (yep, hindi naka-silent. Ok lang, polyphonic naman. Hindi scandalosa :) mas lalaki ngayon ang kanyang mga ngiti.

Habang pinapanood ko s'ya (syempre, pa-simple lang) medyo napapangiti na rin tuloy ako. Crazy!!! Kinikilig siguro ang gaga. Minsan nahuli ko pa s'yang nakatingin sa kawalan...nakangiti...Hala, crazy talaga! Haha!

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not ridiculing her (tribute nga 'tong come back LF ko di ba). Naaaliw lang ako. As in. Hindi ko alam kung s'ya ba ang sinasabihan ko ng crazy...o kaming dalawa...

Nakwento ko kay Lucky yung girl. Natawa sya. Kung anu-ano raw ang napapansin ko :).

Kaya ko lang naman napansin yun kasi nung nakita yung pinaggagagawa nung girl para akong tumingin sa salamin. Nakita ko ang sarili ko. :)

Sabi ni Lucky sa tanda natin ngayon iilan na lang siguro ang hindi pa dumadaan sa ganun. (siguro nga tama sya, kasi kung hindi, bakit ka ngumingiti ngayon?)

Nga lang, sabi din ni Lucky, ung iba daw sa katagalan nang nangyari yun eh hindi na maalala yung feeling... Tsk, tsk. Sad.

Sa kaso ko, I know the feeling too well... :) Kung minsan kapag nagttxt hindi mo na talaga napapansin na may mga tao sa paligid mo. Ilang beses na akong nahuli ni mama noon na napapangiti sa mga txts, kaya naman madalas nyang itanong,
"Sino ba 'yang katxt mo?"
Kung saan sasagot naman ako ng, "Ha? Wala lang, forwarded joke."
"Nino?"
"Kaklase..."
"Si...?"
"...Lucky..." scape goat...Ayos!

Iba kasi kapag nasasabihan ka ng "miss na kita" kahit araw-araw naman kayong magkatext... Di nga kayo nagkikita pero alam n'yo naman kung anong ginagawa ng bawat isa kasi patuloy kayo sa pagsabi sa isa't isa ng mga pinaggagagawa nyo... kahit na sobrang trivial na ng mga ito. 'Yung iba naman nagkikita na araw-araw, magkasama buong araw pero bago matulog kayo pa rin ang magkatext tapos paggising sa umaga eh kayo nanaman uli! Don't tell me hindi kayo maka-relate... Ano 'yung:

"Ei, katatapos ko lang maglinis ng bahay..." (Ha? Tinatanong mo ba? Nakakatawa sana kung hindi mo lang naa-appreciate. kaso naa-appreciate mo kaya hindi na nakakataw, ne? :)

"Nakauwi na ako, nood ako TV. Tsaka na yang aral aral na yan!"

"Gud nyt! Sweet dreams! Ur probably asleep already anyway. You don't have to txt back. gusto ko lang gumastos ng piso." (achuchu. piso.)

"Nakauwi ka na? Pauwi na rin ako, pagasolina lang ako sandali."

"Miss na kita! Hindi kita nakita sa enrolment kanina ah. Hapon ka pala nag-enrol. :)" (sinong nagsabi sa'yo? Gusto mo pala akong makita, sana sinabi mo...Miss din kita, pero di ko sasabihin... :) Sabi nga ni Lucky: $h!t. We always feel special at kinikilig everytime we hear those words kahit na alam naman natin na hindi lang tayo ang pinagsasabihan nila niyon.)

12:15 AM: "Loka! Nagpagupit pala kayo kanina hindi mo sinabi sa akin. :)" oo, AM, 12:15 AM, bubulabugin ka n'ya tungkol sa bago mong hair cut na hindi pa n'ya nakikita...pero kahit nagising ka n'ya sa iyong pagtulog bakit kaya ko lang sa'yo?)

(I could go on but I would like to know yor kilig stories... feel free to post your comments here or at the chatterbox. :)

Haaayy...Maraming pananagutan 'tong text. :)

To end my ranting...'yung babaeng nakasabay ko sa jeep...nalampasan n'ya 'yung dapat n'yang pagparahan. Pero kahit na nagulantang s'ya sa kanyang pagmumuni-muni...nakangiti pa rin s'yang kumatok sa kisame ng jeep at nagsabing, "Ay, manong! Para! Paraaaaa!"

Patay na si Piglet.

Nadaganan ni Roland.

Nasaan ang katarungan?

Nasaan!